What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 12:27
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
Ive learnt so much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
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Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He knew the spot.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
What were some of the unforgettable incidents from your school life?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why is dating so frustrating and difficult for a guy?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I will be 64.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot live in the past .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I couldn’t, believe it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I don,t even have a pension.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
But it wasn’t much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I think the readers, may guess!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them